Asia Rachael Cohen
Thursday, October 13th, 2011
6 pm PST
.
Dare I?
The shocking (to me)
removal of an affable manager was increased today by the news that the former Assistant Manager has taken his place. I was
totally exhausted by the walk home from Rite-Aid to get my insulin. But as stone tired as I was, I marveled at the strength
in my muscles since I’ve been on the protein supplement for six weeks. I slept away the rest of the day, and I must
have had a strong seizure because I woke with such a massive weight removed from my chest and abdomen, a near euphoric
release of endorphins, and the third, strangest nightmare that’s ever remained with me after I was fully awake, because
I ‘felt’ the return of the Quiet Presence who shielded me when I was living on faith, and the sudden distress
of the nightmare simply faded, and the same characters suddenly gave me encouragement and validation unknown in my ‘real
life’. I was rudely wakened by a sales pitch and hung up half way through it because I wanted desperately to hold unto
that feeling….of course I couldn’t. But something the lead woman was saying to me has remained.
I turned the wholesome scenario around and tried to replace it with the known and I sobbed, in the dream as if in real
life, ‘When am I going to die? When am I going to die?’ To watch and feel
bits of yourself fall away or rot is a terrible thing to endure, and she stood next to me and touched me, something I avoid
real life because of the physical presumptions it arises in others, and she said “ “When you give up your dream,
you’re already dead. And you haven’t done that! “ I think she might have said something more but
that was when the phone rang so sharply and I woke, bringing it with me until the excited sales pitch acted like an impassioned
friend and I hung up.
The sun was so bright it felt like a blowtorch. I laid back down and slept again, but when I woke three hours later,
I have no memory of what I dreamed next. But I can move without feeling like I’m encased in a body suit of cement. And
I give GOD the praise for that!! In my dream I was playing with Tasha and Cindy, so happily, when another dog bounded up,
a mixture of all the dogs I ever had and loved, and I was happy for a while, then the nightmare of being trapped between floors
returned. Am I so set on not allowing myself joy? RL is dead, yet I keep his ‘dream’ alive. Nancy is probably
dead, yet I follow her cruel regime of abuse as well as she did. Why???????? Why?????
But so too, are the ones who loved me. October
brings back Big Ed in such meaningful ways, and I am deeply comforted by the first twelve days of this month for all the physical
pain it brought, then as I was sitting there, watching out to the graying light of dusk on the other side of the apartment
blinds, I began to ask myself “Why Not?”
Why not? My 50+ Readership of summer has settled down to half of what I usually expect. I guess a lot of students read
my work during the summer??? Or it would seem so with the annual halving of hits in autumn and winter. So I’m not being
pressured by the needs to ‘keep’ a specific audience, although I’m starting at rebel at all my middle aged
characters and I was thinking about making room for the teen character in Louisiana on next year’s
clipboard when two thoughts thudded in my lap at the same moment, I suspect from two different parts of my mind – literal
and flight. : Rather than replace the subtitle on the Majesty Book Collection, take it and write a book about it!
WRITE
the same account I’ve set up, so I don’t have something said or done on that day that differs from this book,
but look at it from a totally different perspective! From JESUS`!!!!! Right or wrong, good or indifferent,
I’ve written from enough male characters for that to no longer be an issue, and HE has remained with me as I wake and
write and take my nightly shot. The One on Whom I’ve depended for so long when I’m willing to endure good things
to happen in my life. Undoubtedly the book will reveal those painful scars I carry, but they will also carry the childlike
innocence and trust that has made the ‘good days’ such an extra-ordinary time to be alive, whatever the
obstacles I faced that day!! Our Nation is sinking, it’s corpse is beginning
to stink, but there are still multiplied thousands who work, love, believe, struggle, pray!!!! And
I am one of these.
I HAVE to write it. There’s no point in attempting to explain it. If you’ve brushed Heaven’s Hand,
you’ll understand, if you haven’t, nothing can speak of its calm and patience. GOD isn’t ‘loving’
– He IS love. Yes! I want to write this book. I must! – as long as I am alive I will keep my Dream, just as my
dream keeps me, and someday-I don’t know when, I’ll exchange it for the real thing. Mr. Jim Elliott said it best:
“ No man is a fool to exchange what he cannot keep, for that which he cannot lose. “
Yes, I’ll dare it!
Yes….by His Grace…and permission…..yes.
.
A.R. Koheen
Spokane, Washington, USA
Thursday,
October 13th, 2011 ~ 5771
